If you’re anything like Kim K and I, you’ll LOVE a full evening of trawling through Facebook posts dating back to 2003 and going such deep cover on Instagram photos you don’t know how you’ll get yourself back out. So for the social media psycho in all of us, here are a few things we do with ferocious delight.
As soon as we’ve swapped numbers with a crush or new work mate we immediately sync our contacts to Facebook so we can find their profile and do a bit of a ‘not quite a friend yet’ surface stalk. Sure we can only see 2 profile pictures and a cover photo but it’s enough to tell us you voted ‘Remain’ and rode an elephant in Thailand and that’s OK by us.
We also love to trawl through our ‘People you Might Know’ section on Facebook. This wonder of a feature tetlls us that someone in there has our phone number or we’ve stalked them before OR, if we’ve hit the jackpot, THEY’VE STALKED US. Oh hey Guy Who Ghosted After One Date, checking out what you’re missing eh?
Once we’ve found you on Facebook, we’ll go ahead and check our mutual friends. If you’re friends with Mimi from school who used to bully us then chances are we don’t trust your judge of character. However if we have a good mutual mate, we’ll spend our next few days wondering how appropriate it is to ask for an introduction. Ok we might only know Gary from that one-day First Aid course we did but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind a casj Private Message saying, ‘Hey, so I see you’re friends with *Tinder Crush* – help a sister out?’ That’s not weird, is it?
Any social media lover is bound to be addicted to Whatsapp. And if you’re addicted to Whatsapp, you’ll be a huge fan of the ‘Last Online’ feature. This one feature is enough to turn anyone crazy. If your crush or your best mate are online but not messaging you, you’re pretty much working out how you can dump them from your lives ASAP. Who are they messaging that is more interesting than us, eh? Who? WHO? But don’t linger on your conversation for too long, there is NOTHING worse than not being able to exit the conversation quickly enough when you see they’re typing and you automatically blue tick them. This means, THEY KNOW YOU’RE LURKING.
Whilst we’re on messaging – Twitter has done us a babe of a favour and now shows us when someone has read our DM. Except we’re going to want to cut a bitch if you’ve read our DM, favourite 451 other tweets and then don’t reply. Luckily for us also, we just have to look on your timeline to see that you’re tweeting Ashley from your office about her gym photo when you should be replying to our hilarious meme. Mute that asshole.
Twitter also does us such a good service when we find out the first and last name of our Tinder crush and can search that bad boy. Constant retweets of UniLad and writing to footballers as if they’re going to reply? He’s probably not the one.
For guys, Instagram is the wank bank dream. Once they’ve Insta stalked their crush there’s a whole wealth of information available. Only ever seen face pictures before? Here she is in a bikini from BEEFA ’13. However, if there are pictures of Pandora bags and Michael Kors watches from last Christmas with #boydonegood? You’ve got your work cut out fella.
Instagram is also great to keep up to date with people you used to date. That guy who ghosted on you but slid back in your DMs to ask if you’re seeing anyone? Well he’s just posted a picture with his girlfriend (when he told you he was kinda seeing someone but not really) and she hashtags the shit out of him. #dreamman #husbandmaterial #boyfriendday #welcometoournewhome You realise you’ve made a lucky escape. #vominmysock
Instagram however can also do the social media stalker in us a huge disservice. I wanted to watch my new Tinder crush’s video of his weekend WITHOUT him finding out, ta very much. Now he’ll know I I’ll have seen his video from the football match when I’m trying to get his attention by asking what he got up to this weekend.
The holy grail of stalking HAS to be the Snapchat story. You can see everything that everyone you know is up to. Who knew you cared so much about what your mate had for breakfast or what your crush wears to the gym? And come on, don’t we all do a little inside squeal of delight when our crushes have watched our story. We didn’t put up that over filtered to fuck photo for no one to see it.
There we are! Ten treats for the stalker in all of us. Can you think of any more?
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