Let’s begin with infamous Carrie Bradshaw. The darling of 90s and 00s dating, who regaled us with tales of different men and kept us up to date on the latest dating trends, was regarded, by some, as an expert on dating.
Many a word count was (fictionally) churned out to reflect on an experience she, or her girlfriends had experienced alongside advice on how to avoid the same pitfalls. Many a blogger, columnist and ‘guru’ have followed in her footsteps.
There are dating bloggers who describe themselves as experts. Heck some people have even referenced me with that label. In fact, whilst recently filming a piece for the BBC, I was asked if I’d like to be referred to as a ‘dating expert’ and I did a little sick in my mouth.
There are people who make money off of the desperately single by calling themselves ‘Experts’ and ‘Coaches’ and charging £50 plus an hour. But really, what do any of them know more about our relationships than we do ourselves?
Sure, a writer for a newspaper may have coined the ‘ghosting’ phrase. But we’ve been getting binned and ignored since way before 2015 and hopefully we’ve learned how to spot the signs and pick ourselves up again.
Of course, you may have had no luck dating and only meeting the wrong people but having someone who has a completely subjective opinion taking the wheel of your dating apps and introductions isn’t going to make the pool of men be of a higher quality is it?
And yes, dating bloggers may regale you with tips and tricks for meeting the one, or ways to give the best head so you bag a guy for good, but does it always work?
In my writing, I don’t want to come across as a know it all, ‘an expert,’ because I’m not. I haven’t dated every man ever. Just in SW16. JOKING. I haven’t been through every emotion ever. I haven’t experienced every relationship situation ever. NO ONE HAS.
To be an expert, you need to be a leader in the field. This is not a field that has leaders. No coach, columnist or blogger has been there and done all of them. Not matter how hard we might have tried.
So why do people tout themselves as such?
If you’ve been dating unsuccessfully for a long time, if you’ve tried every app and every avenue and you’re still coming up with nothing, of course it’s tempting to look for professional advice. Just like visiting a surgeon when you want a face lift, it’d be tempting to visit a dating guru for a love life lift. But I say, proceed with caution.
These people are treating your love lives as a business transaction. Hey, come for some coaching for an extortionate fee and you’re guaranteed to bag a date. But Soz, we can’t guarantee your date will be a decent dude. Hey, phone my advice line for some solid advice at £2.50 a minute. But it’ll be the same advice I dish out to everyone because I don’t know you, your personality or your relationship style intimately.
Our relationships are ours. We know ourselves best. Yes, some experts may have an idea of what works best on dating apps or be able to dish out ‘scripts’ that have a good rate of success when you’re talking to someone you want to date. They may even give you strategies for going on the pull. Ultimately however you’re only ever going to find the one by being yourself. The one that loves you for you and not because you said the scripted magic words to them or used a play from your PDF on ‘Guaranteed Body Language Tricks To Make Him Fall In Love.’
If you’re single and you need help, what you need is a good friend. Someone who will tell you straight when you’re being a stage 5 clinger or someone that will boost your confidence so you go into your date feeling like a member of Little Mix. And you can’t pay for that shit.
You can however email me for advice with a fee of £40 per reply.
KIDDING. Just do what most people do and DM me.
Vix, Your Neighbourhood Dating Hero (not expert)
Success! Now check your email to confirm your subscription.