Because on that scale, I’ve been at both ends.
I have spent years in a negative mindset. Brought up with beliefs like, ‘bad things happen in threes’, ‘don’t jinx it’ and ‘well that’s fucked that, so everything else will go wrong.’ Sound familiar? You too?
Perhaps you’ve been told that ‘positive thinking’ is a privilege for those who have a life to be positive about. And I absolutely get it. I wanted to throttle every inspirational Instagram quote I ever saw that told me to keep dreaming when I was in the midst of being cheated on, losing my home and losing my Mum within 9 weeks. I always thought, ‘well yeah it’s alright for you to say up in your ivory tower.’
Perhaps you’ve always had that mindset of feeling the pains and traumas you’ve been through and looking around at people complaining about what you deemed to be ‘less’ and thinking, what the fuck have they got to be negative about. I remember when I went back to work, teaching, a few days after my Mum passed away. I thought I was coping fine, apart from the odd teary meltdown when the kids made me a nice card. Until one of the TAs, let’s call her Cici, came in to the staffroom and cried full fat tears as I was drinking my break time full fat Coke. She announced her cat had died. And WOW the rage built up – which I now know is wrong – but JESUUUUSSSS I was fuming. Oh poor Cici with the 358582 cats when I’ve lost my MOTHER.
I was this bitter and negative for a really long time. And it spilled into other areas of my life too.
An unexpected bill would come out leaving me with £3.82 to live on for the week and that was it, I was going to be poor forever.
My blog would get less views than before or I’d lose followers, and that was it, it’d never go anywhere, EVER.
I’d be ghosted for the 68464th time and that was it, I was going to be single forever.
It’s funny, I’m not sure I’ve ever spoken about this before, but I’ve genuinely never been able to imagine a future for myself up until recently. Like seriously! I don’t know if you can relate, but please let me know if you can.
I grew up in a deeply unhappy household. Deeply. With the recurring message and themes of misery, settling, hopelessness, 1 thing going wrong meaning everything was wrong. And the result? I’ve never seen a future. God getting a bit choked up here – sos this is getting deep but it’s for a good reason so bear with me, OK!
I’ve never imagined being successful, settled, happy, loved, grateful for anything or abundant in everything.
And if you’ve heard a million lifestyle and wellness gurus you’ll know about scarcity and abundance. But I’m not going to use those terms too much as I cringe myself out to the max. But I’ve always lived a life of scarcity.
And it’s SO EASY to fall into that mindset. When you’re scarce of money, like I’ve been for many years, you worry about every last penny. When you’re scarce of love, you cling onto any morsel – even if it’s toxic. If you’re scarce of confidence, the straw that breaks the camels back between mildly tolerating yourself and sheer hatred of your self is much less a straw and more a fine hair!
And it’s also so easy to limit yourself to those beliefs. To see positivity and gratitude as a pursuit of the already positive and privileged.
But that’s because we are taught these beliefs. We are taught that our experiences shape up, which they do, that they mould us, which they can but that we are not capable of moving on and breaking free – which we abso-fucking-lutely are.
So if this resonates with you – if you’re in this mindset – WELCOME IT’S A FRIGGING PITY PARTY, right?
Or we can say no.
We can be kind, gentle and loving to that inner child who has been formed this way but we can encourage her that her experiences of scarcity are not a path for her future.
I know this sounds like psychotherapy babble – but I am learning lots in therapy. About myself, my viewpoints, my experiences. And I’m actively doing the work I can do to break free from those constraints I have put myself under. But how am I doing that? You know me, I love to be actually practical and illustrative and GET SHIT DONE than just waffle on, you know?
So let’s bring it back to blogging. And right here I’m going to tell you about something I’m developing that I hope you’ll get on board with.
Later this year I’ll be launching Grow & Glow, an online space for creators who want personal and digital growth. It’s for people like you who want to put their mental health, well-being and goals at the centre of what they do online so EVERYTHING they create has a purpose. I’m so FRIGGING excited about launching it, and I’ve got a sign up form on the blog where you can register to hear more in the next coming weeks.
Tell me though, does that sound like you? Someone who is perhaps time, experience, confidence or ambition scarce? Who wants to be nurtured, supported, given time, education, the help to gain confidence and reach goals? Because it bloody sounds like me!! So yep, come and chat to me about this and sign up to hear more. I’m SOOOO EXCITEEEEED.
ANYWHOS back to our limiting mindsets when it comes to our blogs and online presence. Let me know if any of these sound like you.
‘I’ll never be as good as…’
‘I don’t have the time to do x’
‘I wish I was more confident to put myself out there.’
‘I just don’t know how to grow.’
‘No one reads my blog or comments or engages.’
‘I’m sick of others doing the follow/unfollow game.’
‘There are people out there who aren’t as good as I am but are more successful it’s not fair.’
Seriously, raise your hand if you’ve ever had these thoughts. Because I bloody have.
But do you know what these statements do? They put a ceiling on us. We put a ceiling on us. It ain’t the fucking patriarchy up in hurrr, it’s us. It’s our brains.
Those statements are excuses. Sos but they are.
You ARE good, in your own right but you don’t need to compare.
You might have limited time BUT what if I told you that there are ways round that? I’ve got a podcast coming up about it OK. Listen, I know everyone’s spare time is relative, but I grew my blog and managed to make it a full time job whilst working 60-70 hours a week as a teacher AND go out or go on dates 4-5 nights a week AND spend most of my weekend in my bed hungover or binge-watching Game of Thrones with my house OR turn my phone off at 6pm every night so I could spend it with Ben. There are ways, and I’ll show ya. And sorry if that sounded a bit dickish, ‘like yeah alright Vix but try doing that whilst also being a part time firefighter and a mother to 9 babies’ but I’m just illustrating a point, k?
You wish you were more confident because you haven’t worked on the root issues of that belief that you’re worth less. I’m not confident. There are times when I absolutely HATE myself – but I’m working on it. And I’ve found areas that I am SUPER confident in that I hang on to and nourish. Let’s do that OK?
You might not know how to grow because you think you’ve tried everything and it’s not working but trust me, you haven’t bloody tried everything because you’re not a know-it-all, it’s an excuse.
Wow I’m really having a go but I hope you’re hearing it’s from a good place.
You might think no one reads your blog, comments or engages but does at least one person? In chasing the 50,000 because you think that’s abundance you’re actually developing the feeling of scarcity because you don’t have it! Instead celebrate that one person, it’s one more than no one. And when you start being that one person’s best bud, it’ll become 2, then 4, then 8 – it’s called growth. It’s not called a miracle.
I get it, I’m sick of the follow/unfollow game too but conceding yourself with other’s pursuits is a limiting mindset because the more you’re focussing on what others are doing, the less you’re focussing on working on yourself.
Oh hey miss no confidence suddenly DRAGGING others to filth by saying they’re not as good yet more successful and hey you might be right but it is a limiting belief. Maybe they don’t have limits. Like there was always that one girl at school who was annoying as fuck, only cared about NSYNC and not her GCSEs but got the guy you wanted to go to prom with, straight As and all the popularity in the world. The difference? Ignorance. Ignorance was bliss. And by that I mean that people like that don’t have limiting beliefs – and more power to them – they believe they are the shit and guess what? They walk and talk like the shit too. Even if you think they’re a bit shit!
So we need to draw a line in the sand and we need to stop making excuses for our mindset. We have two choices. Stay limited or work on it.
I’m choosing to work on it. And it’s not easy. I really know it’s not. If you know me – you know I don’t find it easy AT ALL. But it’s a choice.
So see the small wins as huge ones. Take your goal and times it by 100. Find one small thing you do feel confident in and max it. For me, I’m confident in my humour – so I choose to add it to everything I do! What’s yours? Stop comparing. You’ll never be someone else so you’re limiting yourself by doing this. Don’t look at what you haven’t managed to get done in a day, be excited about the things you HAVE managed. And you know what, OK you might not have had time to write 4 blog posts, 10 Insta captions, a novel and a screenplay for Pirates of the Caribbean 6 – you may have ONLY scheduled your tweets for next week but guess what? THAT is you moving closer to your goals.
Gah right, time to get off my soapbox. But I hope you’ve got some thinking to do after this episode. Tell me, what limiting beliefs do you have?
And over the next few episodes, let’s work together to blow the lid off them! Starting with being time poor, my next episode is going to take that excuse out of your mouth, scrunch it up in a ball and throw it at your enemy’s head.
Until then, byeeeee!