Paris in 24 hours. They said it couldn't be done. We had longer than that but most of the touristy things happened in that period. So if you also manage to bag a cheap Eurostar deal but can only go on a weekend because you're an adult that works or a student that unis - then THIS is how you do it all.
Arrive at Kings Cross and head straight for M&S. Train snacks are often the best part of a trip. Ideally travel with someone that understands this and spends the best part of £40 on Prosecco, cookies, sandwiches, crisps and Percy Pigs.
Board the Eurostar. Preferably after spelling your travelling partner's name correctly so you don't get the odd looks at the gate. AUTOCORRECT IS A MOTHERFUCKER, ok?
Get absolutely smashed on the 2 bottles of Prosecco and play loud games of who can say the most embarrassing thing out loud.
Arrive at Gare Du Nord and GET AN UBER to your hotel. Avoid the horrible taxi rank men who charge you a 'fixed rate' of 30 euros to get to your hotel which should only take 7 minutes in the car but actually takes 30 minutes. Lesson learned.
Head inside to your hotel. We stayed at the St James Albany Spa and Hotel which was GLORIOUS. Less glorious was the sweltering temperature of the room and lack of air conditioning. Crack open all the windows, get dressed, have a severe body image breakdown, recover, head out to explore the local area.
Find a French restaurant that looks decent. Criteria includes - laminated menu, wicker tables on the street and a bread bowl. Order a gin and tonic that costs more than your weekly Nandos and a steak with a bearnaise sauce. Receive a steak with a peppercorn sauce but eat it anyway because you're English and polite.
Stroll towards the Arc de Triomphe obelisky thing and get a view of the Eiffel Tower in the distance. Get excited to see the Eiffel Tower at a less distance, the next day.
Head back to your furnace hotel and climb into the huge bed completely wasted still from all the Prosecco and gin. Set alarms for the morning because all the Paris needs to be done.
Wake up and realise you've been bitten by mozzies. Instantly regret having windows open. Head out to find breakfast food.
Find Angelina's which is near your hotel. Order the eggs and the 'World's Best Hot Chocolate'. Have an orgasm in your mouth.
Buy all day Metro passes and get the train to something-something Chessy aka Disneyland. Play the train game of, 'let's decipher what these French couple are arguing over'. Feel smug that you and your one never argue.
Leave the Chessy station and run walk towards Disneyland's entrance. Do an excitement wee. Pref not in your pants. Hold hands with your one and grin like an innocent little child.
Go on ALL the rides. But hook yourself up with some Fastpass action. Ain't nobody got time for queues when delicious Disney fast food needs to be eaten and rollercoasters need to be ridden. Feel a bit sick from the droppy rides. Leave.
Get off the train at the Eiffel Tower stop. Come out of the station and look around. THERE IT IS. Feel all awestruck and romantic. Take a stroll closer. Tell your boyfriend how hilarious it would be if he proposed. Ignore the terrified look on his face. LOL you were just joking anyway.
Get back on the Metro to the Champs D'Elysees. Look at the Arc de Triomphe. Cool innit? Now stroll down the Main Street and stop in alllll the shops. Find a McDonalds to pinch wifi so you can figure out where Sephora is. Figure out it's just next door.
Stop at a restaurant on the Champs for massive pizzas. Automatically go into a food coma and Uber back to your hotel.
Lie in your hotel bed. Vow to go to the Moulin Rouge and Monmartre at 8pm. Update your Facebook status with your plan.
Sack off the Moulin Rouge and decide to hit up a supermarket, buy bed snacks, soft drinks and spend the rest of the evening watching crap American TV and boning. Still tell everyone you went to the Moulin Rouge.
Your 24 and a bit hours are up and it's time to head to Gare du Nord for your Eurostar home. GET AN UBER.
What did I miss out that I should've done over my weekend?
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