Isn’t it weird how looking back to past you, helps you see the future more clearly?
The one who smothered me with attention and promises of meeting families after 2 weeks. Who cooked me gourmet meals after hard days at work. Who stayed up until 3am messaging me every day and laying bare our biggest secrets to ghost on me weeks later.
The ones who I dated at the same time as each other because neither gave me wholly what I wanted.
The one would’ve looked great on my arm but who the Fuckboy moniker was created for. Who stood me up repeatedly for me to accept it. Who made me wait for texts to text back straight away to.
The one who cheated on me after a year. Who spoke to me like shit. Who made me feel like the ugliest, frumpiest and unattractive woman because I wasn’t porny enough. Who bought a house with me, promised me a secure future, just to cheat on me whilst my Mum lay in a hospice.
The one who picked me up and dropped me week after week because he convinced me that I was fixing him. That he would be nothing without me. Who messaged me 5 times an hour and showed up at 1am but didn’t offer anything above that.
The one who was the ultimate nice guy. Who worshipped the ground I walked on but didn’t get to know the real me. Just the presence of me. Who pushed me away, not because he was too keen but because his eagerness showed me that I wasn’t.
All of these flings, flirtations and full relationships have taught me lessons about myself and lessons about how I love.
I now look back on how the old me loved so that I can look forward and see how to love again more clearly.
Knowing my self-worth and letting go of the baggage that comes from feeling undesired and unloved gives me the conviction that I deserve the world. I won’t be loving anyone that doesn’t love me as much as I love myself.
My new outlook means that I’ve reflected on the relationships I’ve had where the men I’ve dated would drown me with attention. With texted compliments and Whatsapped commitments but without the actions to back them up. Looking to the future, I will solely be seeing the actions that someone displays as opposed to what pops up on my iPhone screen.
It’s so easy to look to your past and feel all of those feelings of distrust and worry in every future relationship. Or you can see how much stronger being cheated on has made you. You got through it didn’t you? And you can let it bolster you. Why worry about being cheated on again when the only person losing out, is the person who has lost you.
Looking back to old me, I thought nothing of dating multiple men at once. Where one was good at the dates, the other was good at sex. Where one had the wicked sense of humour, the other could explore the deeper topics. But I realise now that they were never enough. Because seeing things clearly means that deleting the dating apps and not entertaining more than the one man who is enough is possible.
I’m sure that there’s an old saying about how looking back helps you to move forward. Often people believe it’s not good to dwell on the past. But if you’re merely glancing back, as a way of learning, then inevitably you will move forward with the new lessons you’ve learned.
When David Clulow approached me to take part in their Clulow Cares campaign, I struggled with how I could write a post which was essentially a glasses review. This is me after all. But thinking about taking care of our sight doesn’t HAVE to be a literal thing.
In my opinion, it’s important to take care of how you see the future as equally as it is to take care of your eyeballs so you can see those little blurry letters on the light up board in the distance.
You can get my Rayban classic frames from David Clulow as well as their entire range of Rayban glasses and sunglasses. You can also visit any of their stores for an Eye Care check which is pretty important to help you spot the ones who aren’t worth it from miles away.
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