I’ve been single a year now. I assumed I’d be craving someone to watch Bake Off with or someone to bring me Gyoza in bed but I haven’t at all. Sure I like company and attention and there are often days where I feel like I might die if I’m not complimented, but all in all, being single has been a dream. In my year of singledom, I have learned a lot of dos and donts when it comes to navigating this lonely world so I thought I’d share with you my modus operandi. Number 1 is, don’t speak Latin, people will think you’re odd. ANYWAY…
Thou shalt not pull a random just because you’ve had no attention. We’ve all been there. Hitting the club in your freshest threads with your highlight EN POINTE and you just KNOW your whole look is flame emoji. But every single person you fancy is just not having it. Sure they give you the eye-shag but they make no moves on trying to secure the shag-shag. It’s at the pivotal 2am moment when someone, it could be anyone, starts to chat you up. Someone you’d never go for in a million attention-filled evenings so DON’T do it now. You’re better than this.
Thou shalt get regular STI checks. Whether you’re slinging your sausage down any old alleyway or letting any old banana boat dock in your Spanish bay, get yourself checked regularly. I’m all for putting it about, if that’s your choice, just be sensible about it. You may think you’ve got control of the situation but we all know after a couple of bottles of Prosecco and the uber-horn setting in, good choices can go out the window. And yes, naughty people, you can get Chlamydia from blowies.
Thou shalt ghost if it’s early days. I know I bemoan ghosters but sometimes it’s OK. Mainly before ever meeting or any feelings start getting involved. If you’ve just agreed on a date but then found out he thinks Donald Trump is a LAD and that he does hot yoga (pretentious bellend) it’s OK to stop replying.
Thou shalt not dive into the Whatsapp Graveyard just because you’re lonely. I know it’s tempting. I know there are people in there that would offer you a date or a dick pic within 2 messages but just don’t go there. Those bones have been buried for a reason. You do not need those scraps of adulation. Stick on a film or have a wank. It’ll pass.
Thou shalt not have dates on a weekend unless you really fancy them. Because we all know the temptation to bone on a Friday or Saturday night looms large. It’s so much easier to persuade yourself to ‘go back to theirs for a nightcap’ when you know you don’t have to be up for work. So if you’re not convinced you’d want to look down at their face between your legs, organise for a Thursday instead.
Thou shalt prep yourself thoroughly for a date. There is NOTHING more terrifying than going on a date that’s going well and you can pretty much guarantee is heading towards the bedroom when you know in yourself you don’t feel prepared. Maybe you haven’t got condoms. Maybe you’ve got disco balls because you came straight from work or maybe, if it’s your thing, you’ve let your bush grow to ‘needing a hedge trimmer’ proportions and you’re just not comfortable with that. When you eventually end up at theirs, it’s a seriously life defining moment when you excuse yourself straight to their bathroom and you wonder if you’ll ever be caught out for shaving your legs or using their hand soap on your privates and then drying them on a towel which ownership you’re not sure of.
Thou shalt find yourself. The most important thing I’ve learned whilst single, is who I am. I know that I’m like a Creme Egg. Hard and together exterior but a complete softie inside. I know that I tend to throw myself into things that I’m passionate about. I know that I’m lazy unless prompted. I know I like a lot of shit TV. I know I’m a great friend. I know I have interests outside of work. I know I’m doing alright considering a year ago I was virtually homeless and then my Mum died. I know who all my best friends are and most importantly, I know what makes me happy. Thou shalt really not go dating unless you know who you are and what you want.
Thou shalt be comfortable to say you’re enjoying dating. One of the first questions you get asked when dating, (other than Hey, how’s your weekend?) is ‘So, what are you looking for?’ You think the guy wants to hear, ‘oh just fun really, see what happens’ or you think she wants to hear, ‘a relationship, I’m ready to settle down,’ and if they are the things you’re looking for – well done for being honest BUT if what you’re looking for is, ‘someone to go out with on the regular and do exciting things with and bump a few uglies with but also continue to enjoy my alone time and also I’d like to keep my options open,’ then please just say that. Saves everyone a lot of time in the long run.
Thou shalt not date 2 someone you didn’t fancy on date 1. Sorry but a spark does not grow. You either feel it straight away, or you don’t. It may not be a big BANG but something on your first date will sizzle. Maybe it’s a small flame but you KNOW it’s there. Don’t waste time on organising a second date just because you thought he was nervous, or you could fancy her, maybe.
Thou MUST just be a decent person. Don’t get people’s hopes up. Don’t string them along. Don’t bench them. Don’t pick them up and put them down. Don’t lie. Don’t promise things you can’t deliver on. These things are basic common sense to some people but not to others. However, do believe in romance. Do show your feelings when you have them. Do be kind. Do be thoughtful. Do compliment people. Do have fun and finally, do buy her a Jo Malone perfume even just after 1 date. She’ll go down on you before you even say, ‘Wood Sage and Sea Salt was the one you kept hinting at, right?’ KIDDING. Obvs. Jeez. (buy me perfume though)
So whilst dating and enjoying the single life, just make sure of one thing – thou shalt enjoy it while it lasts.
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