Unless you’ve been living under a rock (also known as being in a faithful, committed relationship) you will probably know that the the major play in the dating app game is the ability to swipe left to get rid of the dregs you hope never try to chat you up in the club or swipe right to potentially match your future husband and Netflix partner.
I’ve been internet dating for a bit now and have begun to work out why I swipes the way I swipes. So here are 10 things that make my mind tell me no AND 10 things that make my body, my body tell me yes.
1. You’re topless. Mate, this isn’t a midnight showing of Magic Mike. Yes you’re pretty to look at but the arrogance involved in taking a half naked selfie at the gym is completely off putting.
2. Your Uber rating. It’s not original. It’s boring and shows you are a gobshite who probably spends 2 hours a day scrolling through Uni Lad. Take your bantz elsewhere.
3. Your list of outdoor pursuits. I like cheese. And my sofa. Not hurtling down a mountain in sub zero degree temperatures. These lists tell me 2 things, either you’d want me to be super active (haha nah) or you’re lying to make yourself sound more interesting.
4. You with women/kids. You’re trying far too hard to show what a sensitive soul you are. AND you’re inviting the ‘is that your girlfriend/ugly baby’ questions and no one needs to be thinking that about someone they might want to date.
5. You getting wasted. Hey Mr Chilled Out Entertainer, we’ve all been to a festival once or twice. 5 pictures of you raving it up does not make you look fun. It does however make you look like David Brent when he went to that club in Slough. Cringe.
6. You in group pics. Inevitably you’re the fug one. I cannot describe the level of disappointment that comes after scrolling through 4 pictures of the same group of lads, eyeballing the tall, bearded one, to find that picture 5 is of you and you ain’t the one.
7. Your insults to women. Oh you don’t want chubsters to swipe you? Or women that aren’t confident enough to send you the first message? Or ‘boring’ girls? Those statements just go to show that you’re insecure in your looks, unconfident and duller than an episode of Emmerdale.
8. You’re driving. Sorry, this could be a massive overgeneralisation but I have never seen a profile where the guy who’s driving is a) attractive b) intelligent or c) not a douchebag. Can someone explain this to me?
9. Your height. The fact that you’ve put your height says a lot about you. Either, you’re short and you want to prepare the shallowest of women for disappointment. You’re tall and boasty. Or, either way, you want a woman that is superficial enough to give a shit about your measurements.
10. You with animals. Sorry, not a pet or tropical wildlife person at all. Not sure why you think it’s impressive that you stood 2 feet away from a leopard but unless you’re wrestling one to the ground with your big hands and getting all sweaty, you don’t gain any man points.
There are so many turn offs, it was hard to whittle that list down. Now to reflect on what you do that makes me swipe for you.
1. Your photos are candid. No selfies, no gym poses, just natural photos that could’ve been taken by your mate.
2. You mention indoor pursuits. Shout out to the guys who admit they love to cook, eat, relax, go to the pub and meet up with friends. It’s real and it makes me want to do that with you.
3. You’ve used the word ‘theatre’. After a cumulative 8 years with ex boyfriends, who despite knowing that the theatre is my favourite thing but would never take me, it’s nice to think you’d be down for crying at Defying Gravity.
4. You’re looking for a woman with intelligence. This tells me that you’re not going to just dine and dash. After all, who needs a one nighter to be able to get a Pointless answer to ‘African Countries.’ (Lesotho, in case you were wondering, tweet me for my phone number) .
5. Your info is funny. You could look like Frodo’s foot but if you make me laugh in your info section, you’ve immediately improved the odds of us matching.
6. You ask a question. I like to think I’m pretty witty and there’s nothing that challenges me more than messaging you first with a hilarious (obvs) answer that will make you want to take me out and wife me up immediately.
7. You’re not too fit. You are most attractive to me if you’re naturally handsome and just too darn manly to give a shit about preening and perfecting those pecs.
8. You’re a bit fit. Let’s not pretend that dating is not ultimately about attraction. I’d like to say I don’t have a type (but everyone who knows me, knows it can often be described as ‘chubby funster’.) But seriously, If you’ve got a nice smile, you’re dark haired and masculine, I’m pretty much imagining what our babies would look like.
9. You don’t say anything. Sometimes it’s good to just swipe someone who hasn’t gone for the cheesy bio but who will then dazzle you in your messages. Yet to happen mind, but I’m holding out hope!
10. You’re a good guy. Hard to tell this from the initial glance but if your profile doesn’t include any of the first 10 things, you’re half way there.
So now you know all about my online dating likes and dislikes, you can join me in 2016 avoiding those in the top list and finding the one who makes up the last list.
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